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← When I Lose It

When I Lose It

Three short lessons on the grown-up's own big feelings: spot your early signs, take your own pause, and repair afterwards with a child. Calm is something you practise, not something you have to be.

Spark & Whetstone · sparkwhetstone.org/learn/when-i-lose-it · CC BY-NC-SA 4.0. Answers are at the end, so you can try each question first.

Lesson 1. Your early signs

Most people do not go from fine to shouting in one step. There are earlier signs, and they are often in the body first: a hot face, a tight jaw, a louder voice, saying the same thing for the third time.

The signs are personal. One grown-up gets quiet and clipped; another starts tidying loudly. The skill is to learn your own two or three, so that you can catch the feeling while there is still room to choose.

A helpful habit is to name them, once, when you are calm: "When I start repeating myself, I am about two minutes from shouting." Now you know what to watch for.

Question. Why learn your own early signs rather than relying on willpower in the moment?

  1. Because the signs arrive while there is still room to choose what to do.
  2. Because a calm grown-up should never feel angry, so any sign means something has gone wrong.
  3. Because children should learn to spot them for you.

Say it back. In your own words: what are early signs, and what are two of yours?

Lesson 2. Your own pause

A pause is a small, planned step out of the moment. It works best when it is short, the same each time, and said out loud: "I am getting cross. I am going to have a drink of water, and then we will sort this out."

Saying it out loud does two things. It tells the child what is happening, so your leaving the room is not a mystery. And it shows them the very thing you want them to learn.

Keep the child safe while you pause. With a small child that may mean staying in the room and only turning away to breathe. The pause is for you; it never leaves them alone and unsafe.

Question. You feel your temper rising while your six-year-old refuses to get dressed. Which is the better pause?

  1. Go quiet and walk out of the room without a word, and only come back once you feel completely calm and ready to talk.
  2. Push through calmly and keep insisting.
  3. Say "I am getting cross, so I am going to take three breaths at the window, then we will try again," and do it.

Say it back. In your own words: what makes a pause work, and what would yours sound like?

Lesson 3. The repair

Everyone loses it sometimes. What a child remembers is often less the shouting than what happened next. A repair is how you come back.

A good repair has four small parts: name what you did ("I shouted"), own it without a "but" ("That wasn't fair"), say sorry, and invite them back ("Let's try again"). Children practise a version of the same steps in MendMates and OopsPals.

A repair is not a promise never to be cross again, and it does not take back a fair limit. "I'm sorry I shouted. We still need to leave in five minutes" is a whole, honest repair.

Question. Which is a full repair after shouting at your child?

  1. "I'm sorry I shouted, but you really wound me up when you kept ignoring me."
  2. "Let's just forget about it and have a snack."
  3. "I shouted. That wasn't fair. I'm sorry. Let's try again."

Say it back. In your own words: what are the four parts of a repair, and does a repair cancel a fair limit?

At the table: Practise the repair

Players: two grown-ups, or a grown-up and an older child. You'll need: a small card each with the four words: name · own · sorry · again.

  1. One person describes a small everyday moment when they lost their temper (a real one, or a made-up one).
  2. The other person says the repair out loud, using the card: name what happened, own it, say sorry, invite them back.
  3. Swap. Try one repair that also keeps a fair limit ("…and we still need to…").
  4. Stop while it still feels easy. Keep the card somewhere you will see it.

Answers

  1. Because the signs arrive while there is still room to choose what to do. — Early signs come before the peak, when a pause is still easy to take. At the peak, choosing is much harder for anyone.
  2. Say "I am getting cross, so I am going to take three breaths at the window, then we will try again," and do it. — A named, short pause keeps the child informed and safe, and shows them a pause in action. A silent walk-out can feel like a punishment; pushing through is fine only if you really are still calm.
  3. "I shouted. That wasn't fair. I'm sorry. Let's try again." — Naming it, owning it without a "but", saying sorry and inviting them back is a full repair. A "but" hands the blame back; moving on with a snack skips naming it.