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When a Friend Is Struggling

Four short lessons for parents of teens: how a teen can help a struggling friend without becoming their therapist, when to bring in an adult, and how to talk about phones and tracking without a lecture.

Spark & Whetstone · sparkwhetstone.org/learn/when-a-friend-is-struggling · CC BY-NC-SA 4.0. Answers are at the end, so you can try each question first.

Lesson 1. Be the harbour

Teens often hear about a friend's troubles before any adult does. HarborDojo teaches them to be a harbour: a safe place to come alongside, not a fix-it shop and not a therapist.

The moves are simple to say. Validate ("That sounds really hard"). Ask before advising ("Do you want ideas, or do you want me to listen?"). Sit with it. Gently point towards one small step. And when it is bigger than a friend can hold, bring in an adult.

You can practise the same moves with your teen. They are just as useful at your kitchen table.

Question. A friend tells your teen they have been feeling awful about school. What does the course suggest as a first reply?

  1. "That sounds really hard. Do you want ideas, or do you want me to listen?"
  2. "Everyone feels like that sometimes."
  3. "Have you tried making a proper study timetable? That always helps me when I fall behind at school."

Say it back. In your own words: what are the harbour moves, and why ask before advising?

Lesson 2. Early help is help

Many teens believe that telling an adult about a friend is a betrayal. HarborDojo says the opposite plainly: early help is help. A trusted adult can do things a friend cannot.

Talk about this before it is needed. Agree with your teen which adults they could go to, and make clear that telling you about a friend will not get anyone "in trouble" for being sad.

If you ever think a young person is in danger right now, call emergency services. In the United States the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline takes calls and texts, for the person who is struggling and for worried friends and parents; elsewhere, your local crisis line does the same.

Question. Your teen says a friend made them promise not to tell anyone how bad things are. What is the most helpful thing to say?

  1. "You should keep the promise. It is their private business, and telling anyone would break their trust in you for good."
  2. "Some promises are too heavy to keep alone. Telling a trusted adult is a way of looking after your friend."
  3. "Tell me everything they said, word for word."

Say it back. In your own words: why is early help still help, and what would you want your teen to do?

Lesson 3. Look after the helper

Being the friend everyone comes to is tiring. Teens who help a lot can end up carrying more than is fair, and they may not mention it.

Ask about the helper, not only the friend: "How are you doing with all this?" Make it ordinary to step back for an evening, and to say "I care about you, and I think we need an adult on this."

A harbour has its own limits. Showing your teen that limits are part of caring is one of the most useful things you can teach.

Question. Your teen has spent every evening this week messaging a friend who is having a hard time. What is the most useful thing to ask first?

  1. "Is your friend okay now?"
  2. "Why are you always on your phone?"
  3. "How are you doing with all this?"

Say it back. In your own words: why look after the helper, and what would you ask your teen?

Lesson 4. Talking about phones without a lecture

Many apps are designed by people whose job is to keep attention on them, with endless feeds, streaks and alerts. Saying so is not an attack on your teen; it is a fact about the design. PhoneDojo starts there.

A lecture tends to close the conversation. A shared question opens it: "Which app is hardest for you to put down? Mine is…" Go first and be honest about your own.

The same goes for tracking feelings. LogQuest's honest answer is "it depends": a mood log can help someone spot a pattern or share it with a counsellor, and it can also feed going over and over the same worry. Ask what they would want it for before suggesting one.

Question. You want to talk with your teen about their phone. Which opening is most likely to start a real conversation?

  1. "Let's agree on a two-hour daily limit for your phone, starting from today, and stick to it."
  2. "Which app is hardest for you to put down? Mine is the news."
  3. "You spend far too much time on that thing."

Say it back. In your own words: how would you open a conversation about phones, and what does LogQuest say about tracking feelings?

At the table: The harbour cards

Players: a parent and a teen, or two grown-ups practising. You'll need: five cards: validate · ask · sit with · a small step · bring in an adult.

  1. One person reads out a made-up message from a struggling friend (keep it everyday: a bad grade, a falling-out).
  2. The other replies, using one card at a time in order.
  3. At "bring in an adult", name which adult, and how you would say it.
  4. Swap roles. Finish by each naming one adult you would go to.

Answers

  1. "That sounds really hard. Do you want ideas, or do you want me to listen?" — Validate first, then ask what they want. A study timetable may help later; "everyone feels like that" is kind but can feel like a brush-off.
  2. "Some promises are too heavy to keep alone. Telling a trusted adult is a way of looking after your friend." — A friend's secret about serious distress is too heavy for a teen to carry alone. Bringing in a trusted adult is part of being a good friend. You do not need every word to help.
  3. "How are you doing with all this?" — Ask about the helper. It shows them their own limits matter. Asking about the friend is caring too, but it leaves the helper unseen.
  4. "Which app is hardest for you to put down? Mine is the news." — A shared question, with your own honest answer, opens a conversation. A limit can come later, agreed together; a verdict tends to end the talk.