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← How to Play Again

How to Play Again

Four short lessons for grown-ups who have forgotten how to play with a child: follow their lead, join in at their size, add one small twist, and stop while it is still good.

Spark & Whetstone · sparkwhetstone.org/learn/how-to-play-again · CC BY-NC-SA 4.0. Answers are at the end, so you can try each question first.

Lesson 1. Follow their lead

Most grown-ups join a child's game by taking it over: a better way to build the tower, a rule the game was missing, a question about colours. The child stops playing and starts being taught.

Try the opposite for the first five minutes. Watch what they are doing and do it with them. If the cars are going off the table, your car goes off the table too. Say out loud what you see, not what you think it should be: "Your car is going really fast."

Following is not doing nothing. You are learning the rules of their game, which is the only way to be invited further in.

Question. A five-year-old is lining up animals along the sofa. What is the best way to join in?

  1. Show them how to sort the animals by size.
  2. Pick up an animal and add it to their line.
  3. Ask them to tidy up first so there is space.

Say it back. In your own words: what is the difference between joining a child's game and taking it over?

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Lesson 2. Play at their size

Get down to the floor, or to the table, so your eyes are where theirs are. A grown-up standing over a game is a supervisor; a grown-up at the same height is a player.

Match their pace and their volume too. If they are whispering for the sleeping dragon, you whisper. If they are slow and careful, slow down. Children read your body long before your words.

Keep your phone out of reach for the length of the game. One glance tells a child that something else matters more right now.

Question. Which of these most makes you a player rather than a supervisor?

  1. Watching from a chair so you can see everything.
  2. Getting down to their height and matching their pace.
  3. Giving a running commentary on what they should try.

Say it back. Say it back: why does it matter where your eyes are when you play with a child?

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Lesson 3. Add one small twist

Once you are inside their game, you have earned one idea. Make it small and make it a question or a problem, not a correction: "Oh no, the bridge is broken. How will the cars get across?"

A good twist stretches the game a little: one more step, one new problem, one surprise the child can solve. Then hand it straight back. If they ignore your twist, let it go; it was theirs to take.

One twist per game is plenty. A grown-up who adds five ideas has quietly taken over again.

Question. The cars are racing round the room. Which twist keeps the game theirs?

  1. Stop the game and set up a proper race track.
  2. "Oh no, my car has a flat tyre. Who can fix it?"
  3. Tell them racing indoors is dangerous.

Say it back. In your own words: what makes a twist stretch a game instead of taking it over?

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Lesson 4. Stop while it is still good

Games with grown-ups often end badly because they go on too long: someone gets tired, someone cries, and that is the last thing everyone remembers.

End on a high. When the game is going well, give a warning: "Two more turns and then it is bath time." Then really stop, and say one thing you liked: "I loved how your dragon guarded the bridge."

A game that ends while everyone wants more is the one they will ask for again tomorrow.

Question. The game is going really well, and dinner is in ten minutes. What do you do?

  1. Play until dinner is on the table, then stop suddenly.
  2. Give a two-more-turns warning, stop, and say one thing you liked.
  3. Stop now and promise a longer game tomorrow.

Say it back. Say it back: why is it worth stopping a game while it is still going well?

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At the table: Five minutes on the floor

Players: One grown-up and one child. You'll need: Whatever the child is already playing with.

  1. Sit down at the child's height, phone in another room.
  2. For five minutes, only copy and describe what they do. No questions, no ideas.
  3. Then add one small problem to their game and hand it back.
  4. Give a two-more-turns warning, stop, and tell them one thing you liked.

Answers

  1. Pick up an animal and add it to their line. — Adding to their line joins the game they are already playing. Sorting or tidying turns it into your activity.
  2. Getting down to their height and matching their pace. — Being at their height and their pace puts you inside the game. Watching from above or commenting keeps you outside it.
  3. "Oh no, my car has a flat tyre. Who can fix it?" — A flat tyre is a small problem inside their game, and they decide what happens next. A new track or a warning ends their game.
  4. Give a two-more-turns warning, stop, and say one thing you liked. — A warning lets the child finish their story, and one thing you liked makes the ending part of the game.