How to Ask an Elder, and Be Asked

Four short lessons for both sides of a conversation across fifty years: ask about a day, not a life; let silence work; say it back; and keep what you heard honestly.

Spark & Whetstone · sparkwhetstone.org/learn/how-to-ask-an-elder · CC BY-NC-SA 4.0. Answers are at the end, so you can try each question first.

Lesson 1. Ask about a day, not a life

"Tell me about your life" is too big a question. Most people answer it with a summary they have given before: born here, worked there, had children.

A small question gets a real answer. "What did you have for breakfast when you were twelve?" "Who lived next door?" "What did a school day sound like?" Small questions bring back a place, and a place brings back people.

If you are the one being asked, the same holds. Answer with one morning, not ten years.

Question. Which question is most likely to get a story you have not heard before?

What was your life like?
What was in your school bag when you were ten?
Were you happy as a child?

Say it back. In your own words: why does a small question often get a bigger answer?

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Lesson 2. Let silence work

After someone answers, wait. Count three in your head before you speak. Often the second part of an answer, the part that matters, comes after a pause.

Older people often remember slowly, and younger people often fill pauses quickly. If you are the younger one, the pause is your job.

Anyone can pass on a question. Say so at the start: "If a question is not one you want, just say pass." A question someone can refuse is a question they can answer truthfully.

Question. Your grandmother answers, "We moved a lot," and stops. What do you do?

Ask the next question on your list.
Wait quietly for a few seconds.
Tell her about the time you moved.

Say it back. In your own words: why wait after an answer, and why offer a pass?

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Lesson 3. Say it back

When they finish, say back what you heard in a sentence or two, in your own words. "So you walked to school past the river, and the shop on the corner sold one kind of sweet."

Saying it back does two things. The other person hears that you were listening, and they get to correct you, which often brings out more.

Do not add a lesson ("so you had it harder than us"). Say back what they said, not what you think it means.

Question. Which is the best way to say back "I left school at fourteen to work in my uncle's shop"?

"That must have been awful."
"So at fourteen you were working in your uncle's shop, not at school."
"Things were different then."

Say it back. In your own words: what is the difference between saying something back and adding a lesson to it?

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Lesson 4. Keep it honestly

If you write down what you heard, mark each part. Remembered: what they told you. Checked: what you found again somewhere else, like a date on a letter. Cannot know: what nobody alive can tell you now.

Memories change over a lifetime, and that is not lying. Marking them keeps the story true about what it is.

Ask before you share anything you wrote. A story told at a kitchen table belongs to the person who told it.

Question. Your grandfather says the family farm had two hundred cows. A letter from that year mentions forty. How do you write it?

Write two hundred; it is his story.
Write forty and leave out what he said.
Write both, marked: he remembers two hundred; a letter from that year says forty.

Say it back. In your own words: what are the three marks, and why use them?

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At the table: Eight Evenings

Players: a teenager and an elder. You'll need: eight evenings, the question cards, and a pencil.

Lay one card between you.
Both answer the same question.
Each says the other's answer back.
On the last evening, each writes the other's story in 200 words, with the three marks.

Seat sheets and a run-through: sparkwhetstone.org/eight-evenings

Answers

What was in your school bag when you were ten? — A school bag is small and particular. It brings back a place and a day; the other two invite a summary or a yes.
Wait quietly for a few seconds. — A short answer is often the start of a longer one. Waiting gives her room to go on; a new question or your own story closes it.
"So at fourteen you were working in your uncle's shop, not at school." — Saying it back repeats what they told you, so they can confirm or correct it. The other two add your judgement.
Write both, marked: he remembers two hundred; a letter from that year says forty. — Marking both keeps his memory and the record side by side, which is truer than either alone.