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Feelings at Our Table

Three short lessons on helping a young child with feelings: give the feeling a name, place it on two simple scales, and calm the body before you talk it through.

Spark & Whetstone · sparkwhetstone.org/learn/feelings-at-our-table · CC BY-NC-SA 4.0. Answers are at the end, so you can try each question first.

Lesson 1. Give it a name

Young children feel big things before they have words for them. Naming a feeling — "you look disappointed" — gives them the word and shows that the feeling can be talked about.

Researchers have found that putting a feeling into words can make it a little less intense. Offer a name as a guess, not a verdict: "Are you feeling left out?" The child can say no and choose another.

Question. Your child stamps their foot when a game ends. Which reply gives the feeling a name?

  1. Stop that right now.
  2. You look disappointed the game is over. Is that it?
  3. It is only a game.

Say it back. In your own words: why offer a feeling's name as a question?

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Lesson 2. Two simple scales

Many children's programmes place feelings on two scales: pleasant or unpleasant, and high energy or low energy. Excited is pleasant and high; calm is pleasant and low; angry is unpleasant and high; sad is unpleasant and low.

The four corners give a small child a map. "Is it a fast feeling or a slow one? A nice one or a hard one?" is easier than picking from a long list of words.

Question. Where does "worried" usually sit on the two scales?

  1. Pleasant and low energy.
  2. Unpleasant and high energy.
  3. Pleasant and high energy.

Say it back. Say it back: what are the two scales, and why do they help a small child?

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Lesson 3. Calm the body first

A child in the middle of a big feeling cannot think it through yet. Calm the body first: slow breaths together, a tight squeeze and let go, a drink of water, a quiet place.

Talk afterwards, when they are settled: what happened, what the feeling was, what might help next time. Staying calm yourself is the most useful tool you have.

Question. Your child is crying hard after a fall-out with a friend. What comes first?

  1. Ask what they did wrong.
  2. Help them calm their body, then talk later.
  3. Explain why the friend was upset.

Say it back. In your own words: why calm the body before you talk?

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At the table: Three questions on the way home

Players: a grown-up and a child, 4 to 8. You'll need: nothing but the journey home.

  1. Ask: what was a fast feeling today, and a slow one?
  2. Ask: what was a nice feeling, and a hard one?
  3. Share one of your own feelings from the day, with its name.
  4. Stop when the child has had enough; three questions is plenty.

Answers

  1. You look disappointed the game is over. Is that it? — Naming the feeling as a question gives the child a word and lets them correct you.
  2. Unpleasant and high energy. — Worry is unpleasant and tends to speed the body up, so it sits in the unpleasant, high-energy corner.
  3. Help them calm their body, then talk later. — Calming comes first; the talk works much better once they are settled.